The past few weeks have been rough. After an exhausting
semester in which I produced around 250 pages of writing for my classes while
working for peanuts at a job whereat the administration treated me and my
fellow GAs with hostility, I finished the semester with less than stellar
efforts in my papers. Additionally, familial drama and physical distress added
to my load, followed by a presentation in Boston last week that was received
with some disapprobation. On top of which is the imminent departure of a friend
who has become rather dear to me this summer, plus my extreme poverty and
inability to find gainful employment which may necessitate withdrawing my 401k
or taking a student loan just to pay the bills until I start work again in the
fall. Finally, my lack of self-discipline in my eating habits continues to sabotage
my earnest efforts to lose weight.
This past week I’ve struggled in my weaknesses of the flesh
and consequently in my walk with the Lord. Yesterday I gave up, as I have done
many times. I concluded that I was a hopeless failure, fit to quit, utterly
irredeemable and a thoroughgoing reprobate (look up the meaning). In essence I
said to the Lord, “I renounce any hope of making progress in curbing my
appetites, in seeing advancement in walking with You as You deserve, of
pleasing You with my life beyond the sheer desperation that will keep me
forever penitent and desperately clinging to the promise of transformation
beyond the grave. Lord, I can never offer anything other than complete and
utter depravity and failure in this life, even in my walk with You, so I hope
You can handle that. Furthermore, no woman could ever stomach to hitch her
wagon to me, nor do I deserve or would I wish my own calamitous character upon
any woman, so I shall remain a confirmed bachelor for the rest of my days and
thus spare any unfortunate woman from being stuck with me. Not that any women
are lining up for the ‘privilege’ anyway, which is ultimately for the best.”
Now, mind you, I wasn’t giving up on Christianity, on the work
of Christ on the cross and in the garden. No, I was merely giving up on
expressing and progressing in Christianity beyond the shattered wretch who
throws himself at the feet of Christ crying “Have mercy upon me, O Lord, a
sinner!”
After helping a friend move today and making my customary
self-denigrating remarks in crude attempts at humor, I felt compelled to pick
up a book I’d been reading called Telling
Yourself the Truth by William
Backus and Marie Chapman. It’s written by Christian councilors and
psychologists and details the lies we tell ourselves that imprison us in sinful
and destructive behavioral cycles, along with ways to combat such lies with the
truth about ourselves as outlined by the Bible and relevant psychological
theories. The chapter I opened to was about Self-Hate, and I read the following
passage:
When Jesus said, “Greater love hath
no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends,” He prepared
the way for us to be able to love ourselves in the purest sense. Condemnation,
guilt, despair, self-degradation, shame and self-hate have all been nailed to
the cross in His body. By his taking our sin on the cross with Him, we are set
free to live healthy and abundant lives with wholesome, pure, swept-clean
attitudes. When our lives are really beautiful in the eyes of God, they are
pure and clean in the holiest sense. When do we please Him but when we are
right before Him, living as He has shown us to live? If we lay down our lives
out of guilt and self-hate, we are not fulfilling the very meaning of the above
verse…
Another verse popped into my head: “If you love Me, keep My
commandments.”
I realized, once I read that passage, that I was laying down
my life “out of guilt and self-hate” instead of love and adoration and worship
and gratitude for what Jesus accomplished for me. He doesn’t hate me, nor
despise me for my many and continuous sins, for my constant failures and poor
self-image and self-talk. As Ian Thomas proclaims, God never planned to take my
sinful nature and clean it up; rather, He wants to kill it and replace it with
His Spirit. Redemption requires the removal or the transformation of my heart
and soul and mind and body through the ministration of the Holy Spirit. So when
my sinful flesh sins again, it’s no surprise to Him and in no way reflects upon
His Incarnation or my new identity in Him.
When I come to God out of sheer despair and self-loathing
for having failed, I am ignoring or degrading the purpose for which Jesus
suffered and died and rose again, namely, to bring abundant life and
transformation to all who believe in Him. We are to follow Jesus and obey His
word out of love for Him, not fear of Him or hatred of ourselves. This was God’s
gentle rebuke of my attitude.
I will not detail all the ways God has blessed me this past
year, in my friendships, studies, etc. except to say that He certainly has
provided for me. My friend promised to pray that He will, and asserted
confidence in His provision.
It’s actually rather stupid to be depressed over being
depressed, to despair over despairing. Nothing makes the Devil and his
minions more delighted and entertained when Christians engage in such
practices. “Hell, we don’t even need to do very much! Just wind him up and
watch him go! He flagellates himself with such gusto and despair we barely need
to step in. This is so easy and hilarious that he’s doing it to himself!” Read
the Screwtape Letters for this perspective; I truly believe Lewis was on to
something.
The Christian life is so simple and so hard simultaneously. All
I have to do is walk every moment of every day in complete surrender to the
Spirit within me, and He will accomplish His will as I make myself available to
Him. Sin, depression, self-hatred, anxiety, and so forth will be ice cubes in
the Sahara as I focus my eyes upon Jesus, instead of being icebergs that sink
my progress continually.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus / Look full in His wonderful face;
/ And the things of earth will grow strangely dim / In the light of His glory
and grace.
Amen.
