Pivot Point

What a week it’s been. Eventful and seismic, yet strangely disconnected. Let me explain.

Last Sunday, after church, my car broke down. This led to my good uncle graciously assisting me in diagnosing the problem (dead battery) and locating a remedy (Wal-Mart), resulting in a two hour wait while the car was being fixed. After two hours, I swiped my debit card, only to discover that I had no money with which to pay for the repairs. I was forced to call my dear friend Walker, who came and not only paid the bill, but also gave me a wad of cash to help meet my needs. 

As I watched him and his wife drive off, I was overcome with emotion. Have you ever felt like vomiting your feelings? Like you need to upchuck, but it is your heart that feels fit to burst, not your stomach? It’s difficult to describe. Needless to say, I required a moment to gather myself before I could be trusted on the road. 

Now, at this time, I had had two interviews for jobs the prior week, one at a company called ScriptPro, and another at JP Morgan. The ScriptPro job sounded much more appealing and I rather liked the feel of the place, seemingly relaxed and comfortable. The job itself required travel and instructing people on the use of a machine that dispensed pills for pharmacies. The JP Morgan position was less appealing, frankly; the pay was slightly less than the other job, at least from what I could gather, and the atmosphere was very formal and professional, strict and straight-laced, an environment I have never relished. I’m sure you can all see where this is going. JP Morgan offered me the job, and ScriptPro didn’t. By Wednesday I had accepted the job. 

Let’s back up a moment. I mentioned that I discovered that I was significantly in debt. Significantly, that is, as it pertains to me, not as it pertains to the national average. But a debt of over $450 when I had sporadic and ancillary pay from my teaching gig, in addition to the bills I already struggled to pay, plus the fact that my next paycheck from teaching wouldn’t come for another 3 weeks, was quite the pickle. Additionally, I hadn’t had a full time job in almost 3 years, so my track record of steady income was rather stale by this point. The interviews had gone well; ScriptPro had invited me for a follow up and I was optimistic, but I’d had several interviews that I thought had gone well and no dice. I wasn’t elevating my hopes too high. 

Strangely enough, however, on Monday morning I was serene and sanguine. When my parents called and offered to restore my account to solvency, I demurred the necessity. I truly felt no urgency or panic, even if they hadn’t gone ahead and done so. I believe that the moment of catharsis after Walker’s intervention had purged all the worry and grief from my system, at least for the moment. When the Lord provides for you like He did with Walker and my parents, it’s hard to bite your nails in anxiety. 

So within the span of 3 days, I’d gone from penniless and in debt, with a broken down car and insufficient funds to pay my bills, to having my financial needs met, and a job that will pay me more than I have ever made. 

I posted the following on my small group’s Facebook page: “Hardship is more interesting than prosperity.” It’s funny how God works things out. If I hadn’t broken down, I would not have realized the financial hole I was in, I wouldn’t have needed to be bailed out, and I wouldn’t have seen the provision of the Lord through Walker and my parents, which led to my moment of catharsis and subsequent tranquility. Am I cured of all anxiety and worry? Probably not. Am I going to panic less the next time? Absolutely. 

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When JP Morgan offered me the job, I didn’t immediately take it. I held out hope that ScriptPro would hire me, since I was more inclined and interested in working there. I told JP Morgan I would let them know by the deadline and then contacted ScriptPro to see if I had a shot. The next morning they turned me down. I told the Lord that if ScriptPro said No I would understand that His will was to work at JP Morgan, even if I didn’t want to. So I accepted the job as a discipline from the Lord. 

You see, I bought the notion that Rush Limbaugh, among others, has always touted: Find what you love to do, what you would do for free, and figure out how to get paid for it. That way you’ll never “work” again. In other words, if you discover your passion in life, from a vocational standpoint, you can get up every morning eager to go to work without viewing it as the drudgery of a regular job. That made a great deal of sense to me and I set out to both discover my passion and see if I could make it profitable. 

Well, easier said than done. I have lots of interests, like reading, writing, golf, movies, theological pondering, teaching, etc. However, I couldn’t and didn’t make that particularly profitable; other than the part time teaching, I couldn’t make any of that into a job. I’d disdained the standard office job, staring at computers all day, preferring a diverse environment and varied stimuli in my work. So I view this job at JP Morgan to be a sacrifice of my own desires and preferences, a kind of self-death. I know not how long Jesus wants me at JP Morgan; perhaps only for a year, or six months. But He opened up the door, after years of pleading on my end, and I would be both foolish and ungrateful to refuse it simply because it wasn’t exactly what I wanted. 

Am I going to stop looking for that passion, that thing that I can enthusiastically do for the next forty years of my life? By no means. But I am going to subjugate my desires to the Father’s will, to go where He sends me, stay where He puts me, and give what He gives me.