Crazy, Stupid, Sex

A recent film called Crazy Stupid Love came out in theatres. I won’t get in to specifics of the plot, but will touch on a few general themes which are developed in the film, so be forewarned if you plan to see it.

As one might expect from a film with ‘love’ in the title, it’s a romance story, with a lot of comedy. Since it’s a new movie, it incorporates sex as a major theme of the movie; in fact, one might well make the argument that the movie is about sex, or at least, the role of sex in relationships. Hardly any modern movie involving romance does not include sex, so this will hardly come as a surprise. 

(A quick side note: as a Christian, I subscribe to the reservation of sex to the marriage bed, and understand the outrage and disapproval that the wanton promiscuity that pervades modern society’s cultural expressions, like movies, elicits in religious people. Simultaneously, it is undeniable that sex is a major element of both the impetus to commence relationships, and a component to preserve and enhance current ones, both of which are dealt with in the movie. So while I cannot condone the portrayal of sex in the vast majority of media, the importance and scrutiny the subject draws is a legitimate conversation to have, and incidentally may be an avenue to share one’s faith and beliefs with non-Christians.)

What is surprising about the movie, and ultimately redeemed its rather salacious first act, is the acknowledgement of, and indeed celebration of, a monogamous relationship. After adultery and fornication are tasted and tested, they ultimately fail to satisfy the characters, the two male leads in particular. Which is a bit of a switch from the general consensus of postmodern sexual liberation, encouraging people to have as many sexual encounters as one desires, with whomever one desires. 

In fact, the more I ruminate on seminal movies in the romance genre over the years, the concept of finding that one true love, of a monogamous relationship with the soul-mate, crops up repeatedly. I think of movies like Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally, You’ve Got Mail, Titanic, High Fidelity, About A Boy, Hitch, or countless others. Even raunchy films I am ashamed to have seen like Wedding Crashers or the 40-Year Old Virgin, which seem to celebrate and proselytize the old adage of sowing wild oats end up admitting that such a lifestyle is in the long run unsatisfying.  Other movies that mix genres even fall into this category, like Zombieland, Shaun of the Dead, Grosse Point Blank, Braveheart, and Gladiator. This is to say nothing of the continual popularity of classical love stories like Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Romeo and Juliet, or the Scarlett Letter which are remade once a decade. (Just kidding. Romeo and Juliet is bosh.)

These movies’ themes generally run in one of two ways: the lead character is a serial fornicator who skips from one sordid encounter to another, and eventually comes across someone who captures their heart and mind in such a way that they are compelled to renounce their lifestyle to be with that person. Or, the lead character is introverted and awkward, and is coaxed out of their shell to reveal their true appeal, usually in order to win the affection of “the one”.

Is it not astounding, after all the trouble that the Sexual Liberation movement went through to shuffle off the restrictions of traditional monogamous relationships that imprisoned society for centuries (due to the fierce and hypocritical judgementalism and oppression of organized religion, usually), that after forty years of sexual freedom we still gravitate toward monogamous relationships? And lest you object that I am speaking beyond my ken, I respectfully point out that the success of such movies as previously mentioned, both commercially and historically, suggests that people seem to appreciate this theme in movies. The proof is, after all, in the pudding, and you only have to examine the longevity of such movies in the affections of the audience, as well as their commercial success at the time, to discover how most people prefer to see relationships portrayed.

(Please indulge a side rant. I am no different; in fact, it was this very issue that elicited such loathing and disgust with Evangeline Lilly’s character of Kate on the TV series Lost. She was inconstant, unfaithful, worse, double-minded: first she wanted Jack, then Sawyer, and back, and forth, and back, and forth. It was relational Ping-Pong! I hate Kate.)

Now, this is not to say that all movies that steer their relationships this way are perfectly fine in how they handle them. Usually the relationship is consummated before marriage, and sometimes marriage is never mentioned. Some radicals have said (I’ve even debated this with Christians) that as long as you dedicate yourself to a monogamous relationship with that other person, you don’t need to endure the falderal of the marriage institution. In a sense, you are emotionally married; what is the need to “legitimize” it by reciting words before a holy man and filling out a license?

That is a slightly different issue, though intimately related. Suffice to say that when you formalize it with a wedding and register it with the state, it’s kind of like a business contract. Actually it’s precisely a contract that you enter in with the other person (and God, even if they don’t admit it) as well as the witnesses, that you’re dedicating yourself to another, and only another. When divorce still had a deeply shameful taint, this was an added impetus to go to extraordinary lengths to preserve marriage; now that the humiliation of a divorce has lessened, this is no longer the obstacle it once was.

What does all this tell us, if anything? Anecdotal though it may be, it suggests to me that the desire for a personal, monogamous relationship with someone at the deepest level possible is written at the core of human’s hearts. We earnestly seek that one person who will complete us, who will enrapture us, fulfill our desires and banish our loneliness for good. Isn’t that the motivation behind dating and marriage and sex? What could be more legitimate than that? Christians do it as well as non-Christians, though usually the order of business is different for unbelievers.

Why then did Crazy Stupid Love’s opening scene feature a confession of adultery and desire for divorce, the catalyst that spurs the entire narrative into motion? Why do so many marriages fail? Why do people cheat on the one they once saw as their sole mate? Why do many who don’t stray see the ardor and passion fade from their marriage, left only with a sense of stability, loyalty, obligation to children, and/or obedience to religious beliefs? Why do some married men I speak with jokingly advise me not to get married, yet with a hitch in their voice that tells me their jest is not wholly vain?

Quite simply, the Lover of our souls is not to be found on earth. No person, no matter how perfect, sensitive, understanding, or honest they are, will ever be able to fully comprehend me, will ever fully penetrate my heart and mind, will ever fill my deepest loneliness. Every man and woman is, ultimately, an island, and the chasm between each other cannot be crossed. What then remains? Why are we cursed with such a desire if no solution exists? Would evolution inculcate such a bewildering thrust in our hearts and minds? Do other animals exhibit such a longing, a loneliness, a particular attachment to another? Or is it a romantic fancy that humans have constructed to control our base animal desires?

I humbly submit that we were Designed to have that need satisfied, that the loneliness we feel is not due to a fancy of appetite or genetic impulse, but due to the loss of One who can penetrate the deep recesses of our hearts and minds, the spiritual thirst for fulfillment a Jewish carpenter promised to quench once upon a time. When the need lies beyond the physical and emotional, the solution must also surpass the physical and emotional. Who but Jesus can travel the dark, twisted paths, surmount the walls and roadblocks, and unlock the gates and doors of my heart and soul and spirit? Who but He possesses the ability and the desire to pursue me to the bottom of my heart?