An Unpleasant Realization

I’ve had an unpleasant realization. My mind strayed to Her, as is frequently the case, and another voice said, You need to stop thinking about her so much. To which I responded, I care about her, so why shouldn’t I think about her? You don’t care about her, the other voice replied. You care about Diana and Shawn, Mom and Dad, Abigail, Caleb and Rebecca, and you don’t think about them very often during the course of the day. You care about Me/the Lord, and you don’t think about Him that often either. You want her; that’s why you think about her. Just like you want to lose weight and you want to win the lottery or have a pile of money. And what you desire, what you covet, that is what you think about continuously.

And I realize that I’ve made Her into an idol, just like I’ve made losing weight into an idol. I think about losing weight so much, with the focus on food and this new thing about calories, and exercise, and the ancillary preoccupation with my body and its various ailments. It’s always on my mind, always lurking in the background of my consciousness. I look at tumblrs that show people with sculpted physiques and wallow in envy and desire; not sexual, even with the women who look fantastic, but envy and jealousy to be in such good shape. And for what purpose? To attract women? Certainly. To be healthier and perhaps to be more active, play basketball or golf or tennis? Absolutely. To see the end of many, hopefully all, the various aches and pains I suffer, and to prevent long-term diseases like those which plague Dad’s side of the family? Yes. But ultimately the desire is to feel good about myself, to worship myself and my body, just like my desire for Her is to have someone desire me and love me, to affirm me and shower me with affection and attention. 

How utterly selfish I am. What a little rotter, an egocentric narcissist I turn out to be! After all this time, after all the spiritual nurturing and maturing the Lord has patiently shepherded me through, how abysmally removed I still am from Him, who has every right to be so egocentric and demanding, but who humbles Himself a thousand times a day to continue to endure me and my self-centeredness, to bear patiently with my waywardness.

I was just wondering whether or not the reason why the Lord has refused to answer my prayers about losing weight has been not due to my own failings but because He was purposefully preventing or abstaining from lending a hand in this undertaking. And it occurred to me that He is waiting for me to finally come to that place where I say not “I can’t do this and You must, Lord,” but to say, “It doesn’t matter. You matter, Lord. Only you.”

So, whether or not I ever lose the weight and get healthy, whether or not I ever attract Her or some other woman, whether or not I become successful and wealthy, whether or not I finish grad school and secure a professorship, all these things must become issues about which I am disinterested. I am interested in seeing how they play out, but I am not investing my sense of worth and my worship in these things. Because they are ephemeral and inconstant, and they do not satisfy. Only You satisfy, Jesus, Father, Holy One. Only You.