This is the story of how I destroyed a friendship in a single moment.
In order to give some context to the tale, I must explain a little about myself. I have always been, for as long as I can remember, the Good Boy. I behaved myself for the most part as a child, avoiding wrongdoing (or at least, the appearance of it) and thereby avoiding punishment, to the point where my siblings accused me of being my parents’ favorite child simply because they disciplined me less often. This was not born out of any great sense of purity or obedience to my parents as much as it was simply a mechanism of self-preservation. Looking back, I admit that it was partly motivated by a natural desire to please one’s parents and bask in their compliments for good behavior. For whatever reason, however, I didn’t do stupid or reckless or daring things very much, preferring to play sports, read and watch TV, solitary activities for the most part. I find this still determines the trajectory of my life.
Add my Christian faith to my natural inclination to avoid conflict and punishment, and you have what might be called a holy roller, or “goody-two shoes” I suppose. I didn’t swear or make crude and insensitive jokes, though I laughed at them an unfortunate amount of the time. I didn’t do malicious things to people, argue or scuffle, or disgrace myself in overt ways. I put up a good front.
My friend Larry, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. He was loud, boorish at times, and at other times downright disgusting, in a juvenile kind of way. He was a Christian as well, but his natural inclination was for humor and jokes. He forever would try to shock and appall people, and in me found an easy target for his needling. He would tell crude stories and expose parts of his anatomy better left unseen. I liked him immediately.
Larry married a woman named Kim, who was quiet, reserved, mature…in other words, everything that Larry was not. It was shocking how diametrically opposed they were in character, but she must have seen something in him to look past his antics, though she certainly got a full dose of them over the course of their relationship.
Now, the other thing you need to know before I begin this story is that Larry is a kind of throwback when it comes to certain areas of life and Christianity. He is enamored with the traditions and mentalities prevalent two or three hundred years ago. Despite his childish sense of humor, about some things he is very strict and old fashioned. This must have been a contributing factor in the events that conspired.
Around the time I was finishing up my undergraduate degree, a friend who went to my church was going to get married. Our pastor’s son and another guy from church were going to go, and I decided to come along with them. Larry and his wife were going to go separately. The three of us drove a long six hours or so to
I don’t remember how it came up, but for whatever reason the other two guys suggested that I, who was sitting in the back seat, moon our friends following us. In a moment of recklessness I agreed, and proceeded to lower my pants and flash my gluteus maximus at the trailing car, probably about three car lengths behind us. We had a good laugh as we proceeded on to the restaurant, agreeing that this was just the sort of thing that Larry was probably chortling about as well.
Once we pulled in, Larry got out of the car, walked over to us as we asked him if he’d seen it, and punched me in the chest. Larry, being a physical type, was prone to playfully punch people in the arms, hard enough to hurt a little but not enough to cause any real discomfort. This blow was different, clearly struck in anger, and his face was stony as he demanded that I apologize immediately to his wife, still sitting in their car. No trace of laughter or humor was evident on his face, and it was plain that he regarded my compliance with his demand as non-negotiable. Though he gave no overt indication, the implication I perceived was that he was ready to force me to apologize if necessary.
Stunned, I walked over to the car and apologized to his wife. She was understanding, and admitted that she didn’t even see it happen, which belied Larry’s claim that she was very upset about it. I admitted the stupidity of my action and we went inside to eat. The rest of that evening is something of a haze; I remember sitting in the Subway and staring at nothing as my brain reeled, seeking to reconcile Larry’s extreme reaction with the brand of humor he usually enjoyed and employed.
That night, my friends consoled me, expressing their disbelief in his overreaction, his immediate jump to violence. Here was a man of the Lord, deeply spiritual, who knew the sort of person I was as we had had a Bible study together for a year, along with some other young men. Did he really think I was trying to insult his wife? Had he not done things and said things far more beyond the pale than what I had done? I was not defending my actions; they were wrong and juvenile, and had he requested an apology I would have been happy to oblige. The fact that he felt he needed to force me to apologize bespoke of something deeper at work. Either his wife was more upset that she let on, or I had crossed some line with him that he could not countenance. He had claimed that he was not upset or insulted by my actions, but had taken steps because Kim was.
That night I lay in bed, unable to sleep. Bitter thoughts and recriminations coursed through my mind. I was hurt, humiliated, and angry. How dare he! He, with the sensibilities and sense of humor of a junior high boy! What an incredible double standard! And the punch! What kind of man flies off the handle that way? Did he think I wouldn’t apologize? Did he not know me at all? I’m not the sort of insult people for a malicious laugh! Of all people to take umbrage with someone’s behavior, LARRY! Incredible! Outrageous! Despicable!
I awoke the next day miserable. I didn’t understand his actions, and I was keenly aware that I had been the root cause of this disaster. The one stupid, thoughtless thing I do in life (at least in public), and I fracture a friendship in the blink of an eye! Way to go, David. The more I thought about it, the more I concluded that what I had done must have offended Larry at least as much as it had offended Kim, if in fact Kim had been offended at all. I decided that I needed to apologize to Larry himself.
In a dubious move I eschewed direct confrontation and emailed him a lengthy letter in which I admitted again my culpability in the incident and that I felt the need to apologize to him. After doing so, I also said that his reaction to the incident was unduly violent and that he had offended and hurt me with his words and deeds. In a couple of days he responded with a reply that insinuated that I had been overly sensitive about the matter, but if I was going to demand an apology he would oblige. That was the tone of the letter, and I was not satisfied with his response, but not wanting to stir up any more animosity than already existed between us I let the matter lay.
A few weeks passed, during which he and I did not run in to each other. Then he sent another email in which he confessed that the tenor of the first email was as critical as it was apologetic and offered a more sincere apology, both for the incident and for the first email. I responded by accepting his apology and the matter seemed to have been laid to rest.
Except that I lost his friendship. He moved out of town, but even before then we never hung out together again. We never even talked or met again. My actions and his reaction had damaged our relationship beyond repair. It is one of the most profound regrets of my entire life.
