I’ve had an unpleasant realization. My mind strayed to
Her, as is frequently the case, and another voice said, You need to stop
thinking about her so much. To which I responded, I care about her, so why
shouldn’t I think about her? You don’t care
about her, the other voice replied. You care
about Diana and Shawn, Mom and Dad, Abigail, Caleb and Rebecca, and you don’t
think about them very often during the course of the day. You care about Me/the Lord, and you don’t think
about Him that often either. You want
her; that’s why you think about her. Just like you want to lose weight and you want
to win the lottery or have a pile of money. And what you desire, what you
covet, that is what you think about continuously.
And I realize that I’ve made Her into an idol, just like I’ve
made losing weight into an idol. I think about losing weight so much, with the focus
on food and this new thing about calories, and exercise, and the ancillary preoccupation
with my body and its various ailments. It’s always on my mind, always lurking
in the background of my consciousness. I look at tumblrs that show people with sculpted
physiques and wallow in envy and desire; not sexual, even with the women who
look fantastic, but envy and jealousy to be in such good shape. And for what
purpose? To attract women? Certainly. To be healthier and perhaps to be more
active, play basketball or golf or tennis? Absolutely. To see the end of many, hopefully
all, the various aches and pains I suffer, and to prevent long-term diseases
like those which plague Dad’s side of the family? Yes. But ultimately the
desire is to feel good about myself, to worship myself and my body, just like
my desire for Her is to have someone desire me and love me, to affirm me and
shower me with affection and attention.
How utterly selfish I am. What a little rotter, an
egocentric narcissist I turn out to be! After all this time, after all the spiritual
nurturing and maturing the Lord has patiently shepherded me through, how abysmally
removed I still am from Him, who has every right to be so egocentric and
demanding, but who humbles Himself a thousand times a day to continue to endure
me and my self-centeredness, to bear patiently with my waywardness.
I was just wondering whether or not the reason why the Lord
has refused to answer my prayers about losing weight has been not due to my own
failings but because He was purposefully preventing or abstaining from lending
a hand in this undertaking. And it occurred to me that He is waiting for me to
finally come to that place where I say not
“I can’t do this and You must, Lord,” but to say, “It doesn’t matter. You
matter, Lord. Only you.”
So, whether or not I ever lose the weight and get healthy,
whether or not I ever attract Her or some other woman, whether or not I
become successful and wealthy, whether or not I finish grad school and secure a
professorship, all these things must become issues about which I am
disinterested. I am interested in seeing how they play out, but I am not
investing my sense of worth and my worship in these things. Because they are
ephemeral and inconstant, and they do not satisfy. Only You satisfy, Jesus,
Father, Holy One. Only You.
