What the Foolish Heart Feels

I wonder if loneliness can develop a hardened crust, a scab on the heart, a tough kernel that fulfills the prophecy it first believed long ago when the prophecy was untrue. Can it be that someone who thinks of themselves as worthless and unbecoming to the fairer sex will in fact truly become such because they've walked in that belief for so long? Or does the belief immediately render that person undesirable? And for that matter, how many times can someone be overlooked or rejected before such a self-opinion cannot help but form?

It's frustrating to think that I would be hung up on the opinion of other people when I claim to believe that God's opinion of me is of infinitely greater worth. And yet, I can't help it. I feel so unattractive, so crippled and bilious, so awkward and lonely, that even if a girl showed a hint of interest, would I even notice, or recognize it for what it was? Would I ever believe something contrary to my worldview? Or has my self-esteem been warped to the point where I can no longer believe a woman would find me desirable?

And that's not even the worst part! Because I have a sinking feeling that my pervasive and twisted view of my desirability for women may be tainting my view of God's love for me. After all, the feeling goes, if that species of humans specifically designed to find blokes like me desirable uniformly rejects me, with an imperfect understanding of who I am, then how much more can God, who knows my flaws and foibles with perfect clarity, who knows my divided and double-minded heart, who has felt my every betrayal, even stand to look at me?

You may be thinking to yourself, "Wow, what a monument to self-pity." And you wouldn't be wrong. It's all a lie, I know that with my head. But the lie fits so well in the wounds of my heart, like puzzle pieces designed to coincide, that they seem legitimate. "Well, that's silly," you might counter. "As if the fact that knife wounds fit the knife that makes them indicates that the wounds were justly given! The King of Liars knows where the wounds are, and can tailor the lie so well that they seem indistinguishable from the wound itself." All well and good; that doesn't help dispel the lie very much.

What combats a lie? Truth, obviously. I can receive the truth from the Lord, and from other books that discuss His Word. I can recite the truth to myself based on my study and my experience of God's love. If I'm feeling particularly vulnerable or pitiable, I can appeal to family for validation. And yet, if I'm being honest, when all the other parts of the lie have been dispelled, that kernel still remains. And will until a girl, of her own free will, decides that I am more than just a nice guy, a brother in Christ, a smart teacher or funny classmate, an avid golfer or clever wordsmith, whatever else I clothe myself in, and wants me for me. "God wants you for you," you retort. I can't disagree, but I can't see that affection in God's face. I can't feel that warmth of embrace, or the way His face lights up when He sees me or hears my voice. All these things may be true, but the heart is foolish and instinctive; it needs tangible affirmation.

Does that make me a fool? Then I guess I'm a fool.