Car Troubles: An Understatement

Tonight I found myself standing along the side of the road in 30 degree weather, at 10:30 at night, as my car's hazard lights dolefully signaled my depression in regular rhythmic bursts of light. Why, I asked myself? Why does this keep happening to me? What have I done? Is this punishment? Does suffering build character? Surely character-building must end and the character built must be put into practice, musn't it? How much more character do I need, O Lord?

To fully appreciate the situation, let me back up a bit. Almost 2 weeks ago my car died. Just conked out a couple blocks from my house. My uncle towed it to a mechanic he trusted and I was carless for a while, necessitating my father to drive 3 hours round trip to shuttle me to my classes. After a sojourn in Kirksville, he shuttled me back again, leaving me with the promise of the use of my good friend Walker's car. All the while the car in questions languished at the mechanic's, who seemed less interested in fixing it than taking his son to football games. 

 

At last, come Friday, I was told it was ready, after a mere $500+. I enlisted Walker's help on Saturday morning to pick it up, with a check from my parents since my cash flow is less of a flow and more of a dry ravine at this point. The mechanic refused to take a check, preferring cash. I had to cash the check and return today, once I could get someone to drive over with me. The mechanic had "fixed" the problem, but now the idle was reminiscent of my early attempts to learn stick shift, a violent bucking and missing of the engine at stops. It made it to Walker's house, where I enjoyed his company and games for a while. A mere three minutes away, the car shuddered and died. My best efforts to revive it were fruitless. Eventually Walker came and helped push it off the road, with a charitable passer-by also lending a hand. 

 

That is the tale. Less than 5 hours after getting the car back from the shop, it sputtered and died. Now, my ire toward the mechanic notwithstanding, I find myself in the position of Job, wondering why I seem to attract futility and misfortune like moths to light. Not only have I been unable to find gainful employment since being fired over 2 years ago, but I have had at least 5 significant problems with cars since then, beginning with the totalling of an earlier car. At this point the pattern is alarming.

 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways, and He shall direct your paths." This verse floated into my mind as I drove to my house, fuming and talking to God. I poured out my frustration and despair to Him, and this is what He told me. The "lean not on your own understanding" seems easy enough, since I'm baffled at this continual catastrophe that seems to dog my efforts. Trusting in the Lord is harder, however. At least, for my heart. I am aware of the verses that speak of this, I know the arguments and answers to such wonderings; if the situation happened to someone else I would rush to offer sage wisdom and comfort. But when you're the one at the bottom of the trough and the wave looks a mile high as it looms, poised to crash over you, the calm logic rings hollow and the Christianese falls flat. My heart feels battered and bruised, bewildered and crushed, despondent and discouraged.