Death to Smitty!

I was musing about my lack of job, and hence finances, when it hit me. A question that we often hear but we seldom really ponder. A question that is so distasteful that it becomes a snap to allow it to breeze out of our minds whenever it enters. The question is, What do you want me to sacrifice to You, Lord?

My first impulse was to deny the validity of such a question. Why, I’ve sacrificed my whole life to Him! I’ve renounced my own selfish ways, the delusion of earning redemption on my own merit, the supremacy of Sin in my life. I’ve abstained from many sensual pleasures, to a greater or lesser degree, out of reverence and love for the Lord. I read the Bible daily. I listen to sermons and attend church virtually every week. I listen to Christian music and attend a weekly small group, sacrificing my favorite TV show to do so. (A sacrifice which, by the way, I don’t think God appreciates enough. I mean, it’s House! Come on!)

My second impulse was to answer the question, claiming that I’ve asked that question lots of times. And I’ve never gotten a clear, definitive answer. If it were movies or junk food or golf (as painful as that might be), then at least it would be unequivocal. But that never seems to be the case.

But the sad truth is that neither impulse is accurate. My litany of so-called sacrifices, while all true more or less, have cost me very little, or else have been things that coincide with my own natural inclinations, when they are even true. I do lots of things that direct my attention towards God, but they are all superficial; or at least, they all have the potential to be. Reading the Bible, attending church or small groups, tithing or abstaining from the Mortal Sins, can all be done out of a sense of self-righteousness and duty rather than in a true attitude of sacrifice and devotion to the Lord. Also, though I’ve never received an audible or tangible directive on areas to sacrifice, there are lots of things I have felt would benefit my walk with the Lord and my life in general to give up, like junk food or certain movies. Besides, the Lord may be waiting for me to prove myself willing to die in small things before He challenges me with the more important tasks that we associate with His ministry to a lost and dying world. 

You might be wondering what the connection was to the original context of the thought, my unemployment. Well, I was wondering to myself and to the Lord why He had not given me a job or finances. And the reply came in the form of the question I originally asked: Well, David, what are you willing to give to Me? It is so easy to regard God as an ATM or a sugar daddy, who is there merely to fulfill our needs and desires without any recompense on our part. But that’s not really how it works. 

Besides, if this is really a relationship I’m in with Jesus, then doesn’t He have the right to expect some quid pro quo? Not strictly an economic transaction, but a relationship wherein someone else has claim on you in some way or another. Someone besides you can alter and affect your will. Which is exactly what God wants of us; He wants our wills to submit to Him. In return, He will direct our wills and make His illimitable resources available to us. "All there is of God is available to the man who is available to all there is of God."

Something else that occurred to me today was the double-mindedness I posses. In discussing my philosophy of teaching I produced for a job application, I mentioned that students have to desire to excel, to learn, if they are going to benefit from classes. I can provide instruction and evaluation, correction and encouragement, but I cannot motivate them to try other than in the most basic sense of punitive measures. As the old adage goes, You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Not, at least, if it doesn’t want to. And while I fully embrace this sentiment when it comes to my role as a teacher, I fail to comprehend or implement it as a student or subordinate in the sense of my relationship with the Father. As I said, if a student really wants to learn the material, then they will learn it; maybe not perfectly and entirely, but progress will be made. And I was struck by the fact that if I really wanted to control my appetites, to discipline my body and mind, then it’s simply a matter of doing it. So the fact that I haven’t done it must therefore mean that I don’t really want to do it, not at the most fundamental level. A discouraging revelation, but potentially life-altering.

And thus we come full circle. Because if I am serious about wanting to be changed and transformed by God into the image of His Son, then He will do it. Not only has He promised to do so, and He is not a liar, but it is also the fundamental reason He created man in the beginning. I have to want it, to desire it more than I desire the fulfillment of my own appetites and needs. It has to be more important to me than anything else. 

So that is my prayer. God, create in me this desire, to see Your will done in my life, to see Your image molded around me. This do I crave more than fleshly appetites or pampered egos. Ridicule me in the eyes of the world if You must, reduce my life to ashes (which seems to be the programme at the moment), consume my self-centeredness and replace my stone of a heart with a living heart, Your heart.