I am vain. C. S. Lewis called vanity the most harmless form of pride, which is like calling something the least dangerous shark or handgun. I don’t think I’m alone in this regard; who doesn’t enjoy the praise and attention of others? It’s egocentric, but it requires other people to be impressed, making it less perilous than straight-out arrogance, which subjugates the opinions and desires of all other things beneath one’s own. Still, it’s pride, and pride even watered-down shifts one’s focus away from where it truly belongs.
My vanity takes a somewhat unconventional form. I deprecate myself with the aim of eliciting objections and corrections from other people. If I take my looks into question, my friends will reproach me for bad self-talk and confirm that I don’t in fact belong under a bridge.
If they playfully agree with my self-assessment, I change tactics and fall into false humility. The poor self-esteem changes from an act to reality. Either way, my focus is on me, me being validated and praise, or me being woebegone and self-pitying. It’s truly a vicious circle. How does one break the circle?
As always, the answer is both simple and hard. These are inevitably the characteristics of the precepts of Christianity: any answer to a Gordian knot of a problem usually involves radically shifting one’s perception and priorities, which is why humans so often are unable or unwilling to grasp and practice the answers. In this case, the solution is simply to be humble. As the old song says, “Let’s forget about ourselves, and magnify His Name, and worship Him.” Or another tune: “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.”
The common factor in the two techniques of vanity is that the focus is on myself; I’m trying to be comforted, approved, validated, consoled, and encouraged, based on my needs and desires, and I manipulate my friends and loved ones into doing so. It’s actually quite insidious of me, to take advantage of their genuine love for me to such diabolical ends.
But humility says, “What I feel doesn’t matter; how other people view me doesn’t matter. I could care less whether a woman ever finds me desirable and attractive, or if I ever achieve acclaim for being a writer or teacher or golfer. Jesus is all that matters to me. He is the object of my life, and to know Him in ever increasing measure is all my desire. I don’t even care about my progress in being conformed to His likeness, or my own victories over sin and addiction! If I’m with Him, I’m fulfilled and euphoric. How great a salvation!”
O God! Give me such humility! Release me from the burden of pride, the chains of self-awareness, the dungeon of the world’s approval! I crave to feast upon Your presence, Your Grace and Mercy, Your loving-kindness which is better than anything or anyone in this life. Have supremacy in my heart’s hierarchy, Jesus. Cleanse me from guilt and shame, from my desires and lusts, from worrying about my needs and wishes.
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